The Brooklyn Bridge Is No Longer for Sale at Any Price

Friday, April 1, 2016

I'm usually a pretty stingy fellow. I'd much rather talk about money than spend it.

Today I broke from tradition. I made an excellent investment that will ensure my financial future.

That's right! I purchased the historic Brooklyn Bridge. The previous owner, a prince in the city of Abuja, was suffering from some liquidity problems and sold it to me for a song.

It turns out that the owner had been trying to sell the bridge for decades. Despite very reasonable pricing, and an enormous potential for profit, the bridge had never been sold - until now. I attribute my good fortune to the world's bizarre belief in the efficient-market hypothesis. The masses incorrectly believe that great deals can't possibly exist because someone else would have grabbed them first.

Well, guess what. I'm the guy who grabbed this deal first!

I'm still waiting for the representatives of the New York City government to return my calls. Once they do, I'm going to inform them of my intention to raise tollbooth fees by 6000%.

I feel bad taking advantage of the situation, but the drivers were fools not to buy the bridge first. You know what they say: a fool and his money are soon parted. Time to do some parting!

Additional updates will be made as more information becomes available.